Canberra Rape Crisis Centre, Information For Partners Family and Friends


Information for Partners, Family and Friends If a woman chooses to tell you that she has been raped then she is investing a lot of trust in you. Your reactions are important. The attitudes and responses of those closest to a woman who has been raped have the capacity to either extend the crisis, or to help her to deal with it. Above all, a woman who has been raped needs: To be believed; To be told it is not her fault; To be listened to; To be allowed the time and space to make her own decisions about how to deal with it. It is normal for you to be upset, angry and confused. You may feel a strong urge to "do something" about the rape. You may wonder whether she could have done something to prevent the rape, or you may feel guilty that you didn't protect her from what happened. You may have a strong urge to "take charge" in order to protect her. You might want to catch the rapist and punish him yourself - revenge is a common reaction. All these feelings are understandable, but they are your feelings and you are not the one who was raped. If your feelings, such as the desire for revenge, are expressed in an obsessive or hurtful way, they can interfere with the emotional healing of the rape survivor. If you are feeling angry at the woman, then you are holding her unfairly responsible for what happened. Society in general blames women for rape (instead of the rapist) and denies women the support they deserve. If you are blaming her then it might help to look at you own attitudes and emotional responses. Reading the section on Myths and Facts about Rape on this site might help you. You may well feel helpless and frustrated and these feelings are real and painful. You will need support and understanding for how you feel about the rape. But it is not appropriate for you to expect or demand this support from the rape survivor - family, friends and counsellors are available for that purpose. It is important for you to allow a woman who has been sexually assaulted to make her own decisions and for you to support those decisions. If you are available for her to talk to when she needs to and if you are listening to her in a truly non-judgmental and sympathetic way, then your support and love will be invaluable. © Canberra Rape Crisis Centre

Information for Partners, Family and Friends

If a woman chooses to tell you that she has been raped then she is investing a lot of trust in you. Your reactions are important. The attitudes and responses of those closest to a woman who has been raped have the capacity to either extend the crisis, or to help her to deal with it. Above all, a woman who has been raped needs:

To be believed;

To be told it is not her fault;

To be listened to;

To be allowed the time and space to make her own decisions about how to deal with it.

It is normal for you to be upset, angry and confused. You may feel a strong urge to "do something" about the rape. You may wonder whether she could have done something to prevent the rape, or you may feel guilty that you didn't protect her from what happened. You may have a strong urge to "take charge" in order to protect her.

You might want to catch the rapist and punish him yourself - revenge is a common reaction. All these feelings are understandable, but they are your feelings and you are not the one who was raped. If your feelings, such as the desire for revenge, are expressed in an obsessive or hurtful way, they can interfere with the emotional healing of the rape survivor. If you are feeling angry at the woman, then you are holding her unfairly responsible for what happened.

Society in general blames women for rape (instead of the rapist) and denies women the support they deserve. If you are blaming her then it might help to look at you own attitudes and emotional responses. Reading the section on Myths and Facts about Rape on this site might help you.

You may well feel helpless and frustrated and these feelings are real and painful. You will need support and understanding for how you feel about the rape. But it is not appropriate for you to expect or demand this support from the rape survivor - family, friends and counsellors are available for that purpose. It is important for you to allow a woman who has been sexually assaulted to make her own decisions and for you to support those decisions. If you are available for her to talk to when she needs to and if you are listening to her in a truly non-judgmental and sympathetic way, then your support and love will be invaluable.

© Canberra Rape Crisis Centre